Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Stepparents are not always evil: Parents' need a strategy to love their children

Contrary to common belief, parents do not generally treat their stepchildren less favourably than their own. Until now, many researchers believed in the so-called "Cinderella effect."

It states that it is biologically inevitable that parents care less for stepchildren because they do not spread their genes.

Kai Willführ
Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research (MPIDR) in Rostock, Germany, have discovered an important exception.

If there is a reasonable chance of increasing wealth in the parents' environment then no difference is made between one's own children and stepchildren.

Thus, parental care depends on more than just the biological relationship.

Alain Gagnon
This is the result of a study published by MPIDR researcher Kai Willführ together with Alain Gagnon from the University of Montreal, Canada, in the scientific journal "Biodemography and Social Biology."

"We are now able to prove that the Cinderella effect is not an inevitable reflex of stepparents," says Kai Willführ.

The scientists investigated if and how strongly parents neglected their stepchildren by looking at the mortality of children in historic patchwork families from the 17th to 19th century.

They compared the Krummhörn region of East Frisia (Germany), which was a densely populated area with little space for economic development, and the growing Canadian settlements in Québec.

For both areas they calculated how the children's chances of survival changed when a stepmother moved in.

The conclusions showed that only in Krummhörn, which offered fewer opportunities for economic growth, the stepmother had a negative influence.

In Krummhörn children from a father's first marriage died more often before the age of 15 if a stepmother moved in.

This effect was not seen in Québec. The "Cinderella effect," therefore, does not inevitably seem to occur. The stepmothers must have treated their children in East Frisia and Canada completely differently.

When do stepchildren die young?
The extent of this effect is striking: if a Krummhörn girl lost her mother early, the likelihood of her dying before the age of 15 more than doubled compared to a girl whose mother did not die.

If the father remarried and the stepmother joined the family, mortality doubled again. Thus, the arrival of a stepmother affected the girls in East Frisia as much as the death of their own mother.

In Québec, however, the risk of dying young barely changed when the new mother moved in.

"The stepmothers in Québec seemed to understand that the offspring from their husband's first marriage were not competition for their own children with their new husband," says MPIDR researcher Kai Willführ.

In fact, the Canadian half siblings were considered to be allies of the biological children. On the contrary, according to the "Cinderella effect", stepparents would always consider foreign children to be competitors to their own children and thus neglect them.

Love for children is strategy
But that only happened in Krummhörn, where siblings competed for basic needs. "We assume that stepmothers neglected, exploited or even abused the children from their husband's first marriage," says socio-biologist Willführ.

The fact that this only happened in East Frisia shows that the context in which patchwork families are living - whether there is room for economic development or not - strongly influences how parents allocate their affection to their own children and stepchildren.

Although the scientists used historic data, their results have fundamentally challenged the veracity of the "Cinderella effect.

"It is therefore also true today, that stepparents are not always evil," says researcher Kai Willführ. For their study, Willführ and Gagnon traced thousands of children up to age 15 in East Frisia and Québec.

By individually reconstructing whether and when a parent died, a stepmother or stepfather moved in, and whether half-siblings were born during this period, they were able to calculate the influence of all those events on the survival rate of boys and girls.

Dates of births, christenings, weddings and funerals were taken from old church registers. For the Krummhörn region in East Frisia the researchers looked at the birth cohorts from 1720 to 1859, and for Québec at those from 1670 to 1750.

More information: Kai Willführ, Alain Gagnon, Are step-parents always evil? Parental death, remarriage, and child survival in demographically saturated Krummhörn (1720-1859) and expanding Québec (1670-1750) Biodemography and Social Biology, DOI: 10.1080/19485565.2013.833803

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

A father's love is one of the greatest influences on personality development

A father's love contributes as much -- and sometimes more -- to a child's development as does a mother's love. That is one of many findings in a new large-scale analysis of research about the power of parental rejection and acceptance in shaping our personalities as children and into adulthood.

"In our half-century of international research, we've not found any other class of experience that has as strong and consistent effect on personality and personality development as does the experience of rejection, especially by parents in childhood," says Ronald Rohner of the University of Connecticut, co-author of the new study in Personality and Social Psychology Review.

"Children and adults everywhere -- regardless of differences in race, culture, and gender -- tend to respond in exactly the same way when they perceived themselves to be rejected by their caregivers and other attachment figures."

Looking at 36 studies from around the world that together involved more than 10,000 participants, Rohner and co-author Abdul Khaleque found that in response to rejection by their parents, children tend to feel more anxious and insecure, as well as more hostile and aggressive toward others.

The pain of rejection -- especially when it occurs over a period of time in childhood -- tends to linger into adulthood, making it more difficult for adults who were rejected as children to form secure and trusting relationships with their intimate partners.

The studies are based on surveys of children and adults about their parents' degree of acceptance or rejection during their childhood, coupled with questions about their personality dispositions.

Moreover, Rohner says, emerging evidence from the past decade of research in psychology and neuroscience is revealing that the same parts of the brain are activated when people feel rejected as are activated when they experience physical pain.

"Unlike physical pain, however, people can psychologically re-live the emotional pain of rejection over and over for years," Rohner says.

When it comes to the impact of a father's love versus that of a mother, results from more than 500 studies suggest that while children and adults often experience more or less the same level of acceptance or rejection from each parent, the influence of one parent's rejection -- oftentimes the father's -- can be much greater than the other's.

A 13-nation team of psychologists working on the International Father Acceptance Rejection Project has developed at least one explanation for this difference: that children and young adults are likely to pay more attention to whichever parent they perceive to have higher interpersonal power or prestige.

So if a child perceives her father as having higher prestige, he may be more influential in her life than the child's mother. Work is ongoing to better understand this potential relationship.

One important take-home message from all this research, Rohner says, is that fatherly love is critical to a person's development.

The importance of a father's love should help motivate many men to become more involved in nurturing child care. Additionally, he says, widespread recognition of the influence of fathers on their children's personality development should help reduce the incidence of "mother blaming" common in schools and clinical setting.

"The great emphasis on mothers and mothering in America has led to an inappropriate tendency to blame mothers for children's behaviour problems and maladjustment when, in fact, fathers are often more implicated than mothers in the development of problems such as these."

Related Link: FathersNet

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Our Belief Window - Hyrum W. Smith

Hyrum W. Smith is the US author of a number of self-motivational management books, one of which is 'What Matters Most.' I have just finished reading it and would like to share with you his view on 'Belief Windows'.

His 'Belief Window' and it's relationship with our basic needs is a very much simpler version of Maslo's Triangle or hierarchy of needs but it is none the less interesting.

4 Basic Needs
In contrast to Maslo, Smith tells us we have 4 basic needs in our lives that should be met.

  1. To live - basic survival
  2. To Love and be Loved
  3. To be Important - status, standing, respect, etc.
  4. Variety - Amusement, entertainment, lack of drudgery

Belief Window
He tells us that we have a 'Belief Window' through which we look and perceive our lives. This window on the world contains all our perceptions of the world. It shows us what we think we know. The view from everyone's 'Belief Window' is slightly different. We see the world in different ways, depending on who we are, our upbringing and experiences.

Our Beliefs
Our 'beliefs' are the things that we think, accept or believe are true and by which we live our lives; e.g. I never win at conflict therefore I avoid it, big dogs bite therefore I avoid them, if I don't wear nice clothes people will not like me or think I am not important, if I don't do what people ask of me then they will not love me, to be a good mother I must give up my own needs, etc.

Being a Good Mother
NB - I have to say that the belief system surrounding 'being a good mother' and, to a lesser extent 'being a good father', is a vast area of concern for us and one in which we can face and address many unresolved issues. It is an area that most councillors and therapists make a steady income from.

Exam Beliefs
We need to go discover and exam our own beliefs to determine what they are and why they appear to meet your needs, albeit in the short term. The difficulty comes when some of these beliefs may be helping us with conflict but not be meeting our long term needs. These are the ones we really need to change.

Conflicted
If we feel 'conflicted' or concerned in our daily lives, then it may be that our 'beliefs' are not meeting our 'needs' and we should sit down and examine them, to find the 'source' of this conflict. Of course, this is often easier said and sometimes not so easy to do.

Seek Help
It can be difficult to examine the content of our 'belief windows' on our own but a good coach or therapist can assist and at the same time, be objective. They are well trained in helping us to examine our beliefs and from this thoughtful 'examination' we are able to see where the conflict is and what is needing changed.

Changing
The change itself may be simple once it is revealed but it may also be more complex and we may need some assistance through that change. Change in all things is difficult and needs to be carefully managed to reduce the stress and discomfort of it.

Benefits of Change
We should not be afraid to seek help in working our way through changes in our thinking or in our lives. We will be pleased that we did so. We will reap the long term benefit of resolving conflict in our lives and see life more clearly through our brighter less complicated Belief Window.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Effects of Cigarette Smoking and Family History Of Alcoholism Linked To Love Of Sweets Among Women

Effects of Cigarette Smoking and Family History Of Alcoholism Linked To Love Of Sweets Among Women

Despite the greater health risks, women derive more pleasure than men from the smell and taste of cigarettes, are more likely to smoke as a way to reduce stress and feelings of depression, and use smoking as a diet tool. In fact, many women who try to quit smoking often relapse because of concerns about gaining weight.

"Cigarette smoking and having a family history of alcoholism had different effects on sweet-taste perception and food cravings," said Julie A. Mennella, a senior researcher at Monell and coauthor of the study. "Women who smoked cigarettes were less sensitive to sweet taste than women who never smoked.

This means that women who smoke required higher concentrations of a sweet solution in order to detect sweet taste; we also found that the more years a woman has smoked cigarettes, the less sensitive she will be to sweet taste." Whether the reduced sensitivity for sweet tastes helps smokers control their weight is an important question that needs further study, she added.

"Distortions of perception of sweet taste and craving for sweets have been reported in patients with various psychiatric conditions -- depression, substance abuse, eating disorders, premenstrual syndrome, several forms of obesity etc.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

10 Things to Consider: Parenting and Nurturing Skills for Parents

Consider the use of eight expert-approved strategies to further nurture an engaging, resourceful, creative, curious, and considerate child.

Boost Your Childs' Brains and Physical Health
Most doctors recommend no TV or screen time for kids under 2 years old, and no more than two hours a day for everyone older.

This includes computers, video games, and DVDs but beware you do not inadvertently undermine this recommendation by putting TVs in the children's bedrooms. "The best place for a TV and a computer is in a space shared by the whole family," says Susan Linn, EdD, a psychiatry professor at Harvard Medical School.

Kids between 1 and 14 years whose bedrooms are TV-free have lower rates of obesity. They score higher on standardised testing. They go to sleep at least half an hour earlier each night, fall asleep easier and establish a good sleep pattern.

Build up an Immunity to Consumer Culture
Science has demonstrated a link between increased exposure to ads and increased rates of children consuming high-calorie foods, abusing alcohol, and smoking. "You can work with your child from the age of 4 or 5 to build up resilstance to the consumer culture," says Tim Kasser, PhD, a psychology professor at Knox College in Illinois and a father of two boys, ages 9 and 11.

When his family watches TV, Kasser mutes the commercials while his sons make up their own dialogue. "Now if you ask my children what an ad is, they will reply, 'They want your money!' " he says.

Inspire Your Kids to Be More Active
Making a contract with your 8 to 12-year-old child to watch less television will make him or her more active, according to a study at the University at Buffalo. "Give your kids points for spending time outside," says Leslie Sim, PhD, a child and adolescent psychologist at the Mayo Clinic. "Then let them exchange those points for special activities with Mom or Dad.

Do not buy them 'stuff' as a reward. Make the reward something that is inexpensive but is going to be truly meaningful to the child. Most kids want a chance to spend time with their parents and to 'do' things with them, that's a big reward for them and it gives everyone great memories to look back on.

Be a Player, get involved
Brain development research shows that infants learn best through human interaction, manipulation of their physical environment, and open-ended, creative play, says Michael Rich, MD, PhD, director of the Center on Media and Child Health at Children's Hospital in Boston.

Yet a host of commercially produced "educational" video products have been created for parents with babies and toddlers. "Any time spent in front of a screen takes away from more developmentally optimal activities (quality time)," says Dr. Rich.

Make Play Fun
Sim offers these simple tips to enhance play: Don't instruct, don't question, do praise, do imitate, and be enthusiastic and verbal in how you describe the child's play. In fact, fathers have a greater effect than mothers on their children's language development in families with two working parents, according to a study in the Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology.

It doesn't say whether it was a good effect or not but I would definitely discourage the use of 'adult' language around the child. It is clearly detrimental to the development of good vocabulary and social interaction. It's not funny and it's not clever. Buy a parrot if you want to teach something to swear!

Bond at the Dinner Table
Eating in front of the TV is bad and clearly associated with a) a severe dependency or need to spend more time watching TV or b) an inability to break with the habit, or c) a complete breakdown in inter-family communications, according to a study carried out by the University of Washington.

On the other hand, family meals that are taken away from the TV lounge, are associated with smarter, healthier kids, says William Doherty, PhD, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.

To make family meals work, make it an enjoyable experience:


  • Both parents must be commited to doing this,
  • Switch the TV off! - Don't just have it on in another room. That will not do!
  • Involve the children in the preparation and cleanup of meals. Assign them tasks to do,
  • Be prepared for them making a mess in th ekitchen, i.e. spilling milk, breaking the odd cup, covering the cat in flour, etc. Don't make a fuss about it! They're learning,
  • Start and finish meals at the same time. The meal is not over until everything is washed up and cleared away.
  • Use the knives, forks and spoons supplied. Do not eat with your fingers.
  • Don't make food an issue. Don't badger the kids about finishing all their greens,
  • Have a round-the-table discussion or talk. Talk about what happened today and any other topics that the kids enjoy. (This could be one of the father's new roles)
  • Give each child a chance to speak and encourage them to say something.
  • Praise their efforts and value their comments
  • Discourage insults and counter any attacks on each other's self esteem

Show the Love
It may be easier to give your children another hour of Nickelodeon or to buy them the latest Transformers model, than to struggle against it but it is more valuable to both you and them, to give them your time and attention instead.

This can be particularly difficult for single parents but do try. If it is proving too difficult, please contact me directly for more information and support on raising a balanced and well rounded child, as a single parent .

Your children want to spend time with you. They want to have a share in, and be a part of, you and your life. Sadly, if you don't spend time with them now, when they are young, they will not feel the need to spend time with you later in life.

Father's Role
Father's think that this can be a particular problem for fathers, because they are told that their primary role is as a defender and provider. Unfortunately, they have a very narrow definition of what 'providing' means and connect with providing money and stuff.

This thinking is stuck in the medieval age and no longer applies today. It hasn't done for centuries. The truth is, fathers have never been clearly informed or have not truly accepted their new role as a father in the modern world.

Two Parent families
In two parent families, fatherhood involves the provision of guidance, teaching and nurturing in a collaborative and cooperative partnership. Equally sharing and taking half the load, in caring, nurturing and being an active player, in developing the best outcome possible in raising a child.

Follow your children's lead and show them that you are part of their world. Let them know you care. You do this by being involved in everything they do. You show active interest in what they think, in what they are doing or in what they want to do.

Studies show that kids who receive more one-on-one attention from their father as well as their mother, grow up more secure, confident and very socially active.

Free Your Child's Creativity
At age 5, kids prefer timeless toys such as generic dolls, stuffed animals, and cars, yet only two years later, these preferences are replaced with brands such as Dora and SpongeBob, imposed on them by targetting the child in TV marketing and other advertising.

Licensed and branded characters come with a pre-constructed set of parameters and abilities. They stifle the creativity, imagination and encourages a shallow sense of materialism. Child development experts recommend buying only unlicensed, unbranded products and encourage parents to discourage the over-exposure of children to marketing vehicles, such as TV, film, cartoons, etc.

Inundating children with branded stuff fills their heads with inappropriate, unachievable expectations and deprives them of opportunities to look inside themselves and imagine, to create their own imaginary worlds and personalised storylines.

A Strong Sense of Self
Children's Creativity, should be positively re-enforced and encouraged to produce an outward expression in the form of art, music, play acting, etc. Being part of the whole process of imagining, creating and producing, the child develops a really strong sense of purpose and self.

A self that can work with and stimulate the child's own imagination. A self that can not only create something unique, but also direct it, or control it entirely by themself, via their own thought processes.

Question?
Would you rather have a child with an active animated personality or a personality whose activities are driven by animations?

Just as your child has entered your world, you now must be prepared to join the child in their world, however they imagine it. Always remember to enjoy your time together and you will be laying down happy memories for the future.

Should you have any questions or comments to make on this article, please send me a message and I will respond as immediate as possible.