Sibling Bullying: Are Parents in denial about sibling aggression?

Siblings routinely pick on one another, but when does bickering become bullying - and what can parents do about it?

Sibling relationships can be difficult, and never more so than in childhood. But society often regards the scrapping and squabbling, the play fighting and not-so-playful fighting as a normal part of growing up.

"The public brushes off aggression between siblings as just rivalry," says Corinna Tucker of the Carsye Institute, University of New Hampshire.

Tucker is the lead author of a new study on the issue for the journal Pediatrics. Almost a third of the 3,600 children questioned said they had been the victim of some sort of sibling aggression in the past 12 months.

This included a range of acts from theft and psychological abuse to physical assault, either mild or severe. In comparison, research suggests that up to a quarter of children are victims of schoolyard aggression every year.

Corinna Tucker uses the term "sibling aggression" in her study, but psychologists are increasingly reaching for a familiar label for the bad stuff that goes on between brothers and sisters - bullying.

This is defined by experts as intentional acts of aggression, repeated over a period of time, where an individual or group is in a position of power over someone.

So sibling relationships would seem the perfect breeding ground for bullying, since children live together for a long period of time and there is usually an intellectual and physical power imbalance.

Although there might not be an outright malevolence, there is often reason for jealousy.

"A sibling relationship is emotionally intense - it's one of those relationships where you can love them and you can hate them at the same time," says Tucker.

"And siblings are natural competitors for family resources and parents' attention."

Laura - who grew up in a house she shared with four siblings and a foster brother - did not consider it bullying at the time, but now thinks the term captures what went on in their house in Ohio.

"My older brother - I would say he beat up on all of us," she says, her voice breaking. Although he never hurt them badly, he liked to wrestle his sisters, pinning them to the floor.

"He was bigger and stronger than us - he could put us in very powerless situations. It was really scary."

For her brother, she believes, the activity gave him a momentary sense of control at a chaotic time for the family. Her mother, who had depression, had left home.

The children were all particularly mean to the youngest sister Tracy who had been the focus of their mother's attention. In the afternoons, after school and before their father came home from work, they would tease Tracy until she phoned her mother to try to get them to stop.

"I remember us saying to her: 'Mum can't do anything about it - she isn't coming here,'" recalls Laura. "And my dad - I think he was so overwhelmed that he only ended up dealing with the most serious things."

Her father later told Laura that he had sent her foster brother back to the orphanage because he was being bullied so much by Laura's middle sisters, a pair of twins.

Research led by Dieter Wolke at the University of Warwick on large samples of British and Israeli schoolchildren has found that half the children who suffered from sibling bullying also suffered bullying at school - and that this group was particularly at risk of unhappiness or developing behavioural problems.

"If you only have sibling bullying or school bullying you are about 2.7 times more likely to have behaviour problems, but if you have both then it's 14 times more likely," says Wolke. "And the point about this is that you don't have any escape. It's 24/7."

Little is known about the long-term effects of sibling bullying but Jan Parker, a family psychotherapist and a co-author of Raising Happy Brothers and Sisters, is certain that they can be "serious and lifelong".

"We're very familiar with discussions on the impact of [school] bullying," she says. "I don't think it takes a great imaginative leap to understand the impact of it happening within your own home. You feel that you are not only let down by the person bullying you, but also by the adults in your life that are letting it go unchecked."

While sibling fights are normal, parents need to be aware of a pattern developing over time, she says. Parents are advised to talk to the children about what's happening. If they are worried, they could speak to a health professional.

They should also consider what might be causing the problems. "There is one known predictor - it's when siblings perceive there to be a wide disparity between how they are treated and how their brother and sister are treated," she says.

Robin Kowalski spoke to Health Check on the BBC World Service - listen again to the programme on iPlayer or get the Health Check podcast.

Adult ADHD: Denial in Adults wrecks Family Life

"My husband won't seek counseling or take meds for attention deficit, even though two of our kids have been diagnosed with it. His forgetfulness, procrastination, and inability to keep promises to our children upsets all of us." 

Many adults who live with undiagnosed ADHD do not understand the impact their symptoms have on those around them.

Your best bet is to start a polite and patient, but firm, campaign to help him understand how his actions -- inactions, in some cases -- affect you and your family.

It's important that you approach the subject in a noncritical, nonjudgmental way.

If you don't, you will make him defensive and unwilling to take your concerns seriously.

Communicate carefully with your husband. Broach the subject by saying, "I felt sad when we were late for Lydia's birthday party" instead of  "I was angry that you made us late for the birthday party."

Tell them, "I love you, but I feel I'm not getting enough attention from you to be happy" instead of "You never pay attention to me!"

Since your kids have been diagnosed with ADHD, it may be easier to get your husband thinking about the disorder as it relates to them.

Many adults, after reading books to learn how to help their children, see their symptoms more clearly and think about their problems in a new light.

Don’t make the mistake of taking charge of your kids' ADHD challenges without him. You'll miss out on an opportunity to discuss things with him.

Stages of Grief - Is It Time For a New Model?

The face of Grief and mourning in our society is changing.

One wonders why the myth, that mourning or grieving happens in stages or phases, is still so prevalent in our enlightened society.

After all, there are other, more descriptive models that better describe the process. So what’s wrong with stage-based models of mourning?Well, several things.


Stage Theories
If there is a multitude of stage theories, which one is correct? There are theories involving three, four, five, six, seven, ten, and twelve different stages.

DABDA
The most famous model is a misapplication of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of coping with dying. The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:

1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
   Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death. Denial can be conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage.
2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
   Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.
3. Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
   The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time..." People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.
4. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
   During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the 'aftermath'. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation.
5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
   In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. This stage varies according to the person's situation. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.

This model for mourning is the most egregious one since it is a totally erroneous application of her work.

Complex Process
Regardless of which one you chose, each stage theory attempts to portray a complex process involving the emotional, behavioral, cognitive, spiritual, and social facets of a person with a few simplistic terms.

While simplicity can help describe something, it can also be very misleading. There is no empirical proof that any stage-based model describes everyone’s bereavement experience.

The models have been based on observations of select populations and not, until recently, subjected to empirical study.

A Car Wash Approach

Stages imply that mourning is passive. A good analogy is a car wash. First is the “vacuuming the floor” stage, followed by the “clean the bugs off the windshield” stage, followed by the “wash, and rinse” stage, followed by the last stage - the “drying off” stage.

The car doesn’t do anything but be there, and everything happens to it so it comes out of the process bright and shiny clean. Mourning is not a passive process like a car wash; it is a highly active one.

Simple Expectations
Stage models create expectations of what mourning is supposed to be like. To me, this is a major shortcoming because of the potentially detrimental effect on the bereaved.

A widely published list of stages sets people up to expect certain reactions after the death of a loved one.

When those expectations don’t happen or don’t happen in the “correct” order, the bereaved individuals can think there is something wrong with them.

I have had several clients come to me stating they haven’t experienced one stage or another, and they're scared they're not grieving the way they should.

Once I explained to them that stages are an artificial construct, they were definitely relieved. There are typically enough complex and emotional possibilities for a bereaved person to work through, without adding whether he/she has adequately encountered all the 'defined' stages of grieving or whether the stages have occurred in the 'proper' sequence.


Conclusion
It is NOT a checklist that defines an established path. It is time we stopped trying to distill the inter-personal and intra-personal complexities of mourning into a simplistic template and a set of dogmatic steps.

Mourning is a highly individualistic process based on many complex factors in the bereaved person’s life.

It is a process for finding meaning in a distressing time of loss, transforming and /or creating a new relationship with the deceased, reintegrating the deceased into the bereaved person’s being, and learning how to live in the world under a new set of conditions and assumptions.

If you or anyone you know is experiencing difficulties dealing with their loss and bereavement then they should seek advice and support from a professional who can provide guidance and insight.