Are You Helping or Hurting Your Child’s Self-Esteem?

What does it take to raise competent, good-natured children who can feel a healthy respect for themselves?

Research has shown over and over that good parenting involves two basic components. One will not surprise you, but the other one may catch you off guard.

We are very aware today that children develop different, independent personalities and temperaments. Although they are genetically connected and influenced, they are not fully formed by their parents.

Nevertheless, parents need to get back on track regarding what children’s self-esteem is really all about.

What are the parenting ingredients that make for good self-esteem? 
First, good parents are;

• warm and sensitive to a child’s needs. 
• understanding of their child’s positive as well as negative feelings. 
• comforting in times of crisis and pain, as well as appreciative in times of triumph. 
• willing to recognise and celebrate accomplishments. 
• supportive of a child’s individuality and 
• encouraging of his or her child's growing independence.

Good Parents are Also Demanding (Fair and Disciplined)
What we often overlook, though, is that good parents are also demanding. Also known as being fair and disciplined, but not punitive.

NOT Recommended

They clearly communicate high expectations for their children’s behaviour but must realise and accept that their expectations may not be realistic.

Good parents recognise good behaviour and achievements, and ensure that these behaviours are appreciated and reinforced when they occur.

On the other side, when the kids act up Mum and Dad respond with firm and fair limits. It is vital that any corrective response is not delivered with fits of temper or righteous indignation.

After a child makes a mistake, the parents’ message is, “I understand your reasons for doing that but it was wrong, selfish or poorly thought out and I’m sure you know that and will do better next time.”

Parents whose child-rearing philosophy involves both warmth and “discipline” tend to produce competent and balanced children.

There are of course no guarantees, but children will have a better chance of becoming more self-reliant, self-controlled and happier.

They will have a better chance of being accepted and well-liked by their peers, and of having a real sense of belonging and participation.

Sometimes parents are distracted or have blinkers on. We’re busy, we don’t have, or take the time to do some of the things that will really foster self-esteem and help our children develop social skills as well as academic and physical competence.

Remember that your childrens’ self-esteem is ultimately going to be earned or not earned in the real world not in a cosseted family home or an imagined, over-romantic fantasy world.

Children Learn Better When They Have Known Boundaries
The demanding, disciplined part of the parenting equation implies not only that parents ask more of their children, but also that parents ask more of themselves.

Parents often doggedly follow the misguided belief that self-esteem and creativity are both higher when children can ‘do their own thing’ and when they are not exposed to external limits imposed by adults, but this can also be an excuse for not taking full parental responsibility for monitoring and managing childrens' actions.

Building the Berlin Wall

Children feel better about themselves, are more secure and perform better, creatively and otherwise, when they learn the boundaries for reasonable behaviour.

The world has all kinds of limits and rules, not all of which are known or recognised by children and parents are the ones who introduce and guide children through life’s boundaries.

How parents establish rules and set limits (or avoid /fail to set limits) has a tremendous effect on the self-esteem of a child.

Your kids will not like all the rules and regulations that you or the world imposes, but if they don’t recognize and work within these constraints, they will face disappointment and will get hurt repeatedly (more often mentally than physically) and sometimes the consequences will be severe (life changing).

However, not all self-esteem building strategies should be unpleasant or focus on hard, repetitive work.

One of the best “tactics” for encouraging healthy self-respect in children is FUN! 

We need to take time with our kids and we need to enjoy taking time with our children.

Keep in mind that one-on-one, face-to-face time and having fun together is one of the most potent self-esteem builders.

This means that one parent spends time with one child. Clearly, this will need organising if you have more than 1, 2 or more children.

Also, you cannot allow the excuse of 'work pressure' to stop or avoid this happening.

Busy people need good planning and busy people should Plan to spend time with your children! 

Children really like having a parent all to themselves. It makes them feel all the important feelings you want them to feel; loved, important, worthy, cherished, contented, etc.

Your Relationship With Your Child, require that parents be supportive and nurturing while at the same time they are expecting constructive behaviour as well as hard work from their kids.

Self-esteem: Research reveals the cultural origins

What gives you self-worth? University of Sussex research shows our self-esteem is based on the prevailing values of our culture.

Whatever our personal values, we largely base our self-worth on living up to the prevailing values of our culture, new University of Sussex-led research reveals.

Vivian Vignoles

Sussex social psychologists Dr Vivian Vignoles and Dr Maja Becker collaborated with a global team of researchers to address a long-standing debate about what influences our self-esteem.

Their findings are published online this month (12th February, 2014) in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

More than 5,000 adolescents and young people in 19 countries spanning Western and Eastern Europe, the Middle East, South America, Africa and Asia took part in the research.

Participants were found to base their self-worth on living up to the prevailing values of others in their cultural contexts, but—surprisingly—their own personal values appeared to have little or no influence on self-esteem.

Dr Vignoles explains: "We can all think of different things that make us see ourselves positively, whether it is succeeding at work or school, our relationships with friends and family, behaving morally towards others, or having the right possessions—as well as other aspects of ourselves that we may feel less good about. But what gives these things their importance?

"An intuitive answer would be that every individual bases their self-esteem on living up to the values that they personally see as most important—and this has been the dominant view in psychology for over 100 years. But firm evidence for this idea has been surprisingly elusive.

"Our new findings paint a very different picture, suggesting that it is the value priorities of others in the surrounding context, not the individual's own value priorities, that predict which aspects of ourselves will give us the greatest sense of self-worth."

Funded by the Economic and Social Research Council (UK), the research was conducted by the Culture and Identity Research Network, directed by Dr Vignoles.

Research participants were initially asked to list ten aspects of themselves in answer to the question "Who are you?".

Their answers were very wide ranging, including descriptions of their personality characteristics, important relationships, social roles and group memberships.

Participants were subsequently asked: "How much does each of these things make you see yourself positively?"

The researchers used further data from the questionnaires to predict which aspects of themselves each participant would see as providing the greatest sense of self-esteem.

The results showed that participants derived the most self-esteem from aspects of their identities that best fulfilled the values of their surrounding culture.

For example, participants in cultural contexts where people most emphasized values such as self-direction and having a stimulating life (e.g., the UK, Western Europe, and some parts of South America) were more likely to derive self-esteem from controlling their own lives, whereas those in cultures where there was relatively more emphasis on values such as conformity, tradition, and security (e.g., parts of the Middle East, Africa, and Asia) were relatively more likely to derive self-esteem from doing their duty.

Dr Vignoles comments: "Popular psychology and self-help books often seem to imply that people can build self-esteem on their own. These findings should remind us that no-one is an island. Building self-esteem is mostly a collaborative enterprise."

"Our research suggests that the self-esteem system is an important way in which individuals internalise the values of their culture on an implicit level, even if they do not profess to believe in these values when they are asked explicitly."

"These subtle processes may encourage people to act in ways that are desirable in their society, and thus help to maintain social solidarity."

More information: "Cultural bases for Self-Evaluation: Seeing Oneself Positively in Different Cultural Contexts", lead authors Dr Maja Becker and Dr Vivian Vignoles, is published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. dx.doi.org/10.1177/0146167214522836

Recognise your Parenting Style

Promoting the self-discipline and self-esteem of one’s children often requires an emotional juggling act by parents.

It is not easy to be firm and demanding one minute, then warm and affectionate the next.

In addition, some adults naturally have personalities or temperaments that predispose them toward one parenting style or the other.

Authoritarian Parenting
Parents who tend to overemphasize the discipline side of the equation are referred to as authoritarian.

Authoritarian parents are demanding in the worst sense of the word.

They are intimidators, requiring obedience and respect above all else. They become overly angry and forceful when they don’t get that obedience and respect.

Their love and acceptance appear totally conditional to the child. They do not listen to their kids or explain the reason for their expectations, which are frequently unrealistic.

They often see their children’s individuality and independence as irrelevant or threatening.

Research has shown that authoritarian parents tend to produce children who are more withdrawn, anxious, mistrustful and discontented.

These children are often overlooked by their peers. Their self-esteem is often poor.

Permissive Parenting
Parents who overemphasize the self-esteem side of the equation are referred to as permissive. They may be warm and supportive, but they are not good disciplinarians.

They make only weak demands for good behaviour and they tend to avoid or ignore obnoxious behavior.

They seem to believe that children should grow up without any anger, tears or frustrations.

They reinforce demanding and inconsiderate behaviour from their children. Their love and acceptance are “unconditional” in the worst sense of the word, for they set few limits on what their children do.

Research has shown that permissive parents tend to produce children who are more immature, demanding and dependent. These children are often rejected by their peers.

Their self-esteem is often unrealistic and hard to interpret, for they often blame others for their misfortunes.

Authoritative Parenting Model
Parents who are able to provide for both the discipline and self-esteem needs of their youngsters are referred to as authoritative.

They clearly communicate high—but not unrealistic—demands for their children’s behavior. They expect good things from their kids and reinforce those things when they occur.

When kids act up, on the other hand, authoritative parents respond with firm limits, but without fits of temper.

They are warm, reasonable and sensitive to a child’s needs. They are supportive of a child’s individuality and encourage growing independence.

The Balance
Parents who are able to provide for both the discipline and self-esteem needs of their youngsters are referred to as authoritative.

They clearly communicate high—but not unrealistic—demands for their children’s behavior. They expect good things from their kids and reinforce those things when they occur.

When kids act up, on the other hand, authoritative parents respond with firm limits, but without fits of temper.

They are warm, reasonable and sensitive to a child’s needs. They are supportive of a child’s individuality and encourage growing independence.

Preschoolers who stutter do just fine emotionally and socially

Stuttering may be more common than previously thought, but preschool stutterers fair better than first thought, a study by The University of Melbourne, Murdoch Childrens Research Institute and The University of Sydney has found.

A study of over 1600 children, which followed the children from infancy to four years old, found the cumulative incidence of stuttering by four years old was 11 per cent, more than twice what has previously been reported.

However, the study refutes the long held view that suggests developmental stuttering is associated with a range of poorer outcomes in the preschool period.

Interestingly, the study found the reverse was true, with stuttering associated with better language development, non-verbal skills with no identifiable effect on the child's mental health or temperament at four years old.

Surprisingly, researchers found that recovery from stuttering was low, 6.3 per cent, 12 months after onset.

Rates of recovery were higher in boys than girls, and in those who did not repeat whole words at onset than those who did. The study boys were more likely to develop stuttering.

Sheena Reilly

Lead researcher, Professor Sheena Reilly said parents could be happy in knowing that they can take a 'watch and wait' approach to their child's stuttering and it won't be causing harm to their child's language skills or social and emotional development.

"Current best practice recommends waiting for 12 months before commencing treatment, unless the child is distressed, there is parental concern, or the child becomes reluctant to communicate. It may be that for many children treatment could be deferred slightly further," she said.

"Treatment is effective but is intensive and expensive, this watchful recommendation would therefore help target allocation of scarce resources to the small number of children who do not resolve and experience adverse outcomes, secure in the knowledge that delaying treatment for a year or slightly longer has been shown not to compromise treatment efficacy."

Due to the low rates of recovery in the study, researchers were unable to determine what predicts which kids will recover from stuttering, but say this will be the focus of research moving forward.

The study was published in Pediatrics.

Dyslexia: Grade Retention is Holding Back Pupils

If your child struggles in school, it is likely that at some point a teacher or school official will recommend that he be retained and repeat a grade.

Grade retention is almost Never a good idea for a child with dyslexia, as the possible negative consequences far outweigh the benefits.

Dyslexia is not something that can be outgrown or cured by waiting for a child to mature; repeating the same curriculum a second time around will not help your child improve his basic skills.

What the Research Shows
Retention is far more likely to hurt your child than help him; this is especially true in the early elementary years.

Dozens of research studies conducted over 25 years show that students who are retained because they are performing poorly usually fall even further behind over time.

Children who are promoted despite concerns about their academic skills may still have difficulties, but their performance is usually somewhat better than their counterparts who have been retained.

FACT:
Studies show that grade retention increases the likelihood, by as much as 40 percent, that your child will not complete high school; if your child is retained more than once, there is an almost 100 percent likelihood that he will later drop out.

Studies of middle and high school students also demonstrate a high social cost of retention; students who are old for their grade level reported higher levels of emotional distress, substance abuse, involvement with violence, and suicidal thoughts.

No matter how well-intentioned, holding a child back a year can send the message that he is a failure and that the teachers do not believe him capable of keeping up with his peers.

Read the full article here